Fri Dec 25, 2020

Yes, it’s Christmas Day when this goes on. Although in Sweden, we celebrate Christmas the day before. This day it’s the big homecoming day when you go back to your little shit city and meet all your old friends in the local shitty bar since they are also home and has nothing to do. Yes, it’s usually a pretty drunk evening. That won’t happen this year though for obvious reasons!

Still, I celebrate that from today onwards Christmas is over. Suddenly, I get back more than half of all my favorite radio stations that have been jammed with shitty Christmas music. No, I’m really not a big fan of Christmas music. All this has led to the fact I have become a collector of Christmas music that is obnoxious. Things you really can’t play in a crowd of people since there will be always someone offended. Okay, the truth is 2020 that is hard to find a topic that people are not offended by.

Now that I host my own shows on Cashbox Radio I had to indulge in the Christmas music. Also, I had to find obnoxious Christmas music in English. Before my repertoire was mainly in Swedish, there are a couple of really horrific Christmas albums that have always worked, now I had to find the equivalent in English. Hard but doable.

What did I find? No, I won’t link them here but I will give you the keyword so you will find them on YouTube. I know that many people need these songs.

First, ‘White Trash Christmas’ by Bob Rivers. This is a gem, a perfect Christmas song. With lines like “There'll be cousin's kissin' and front teeth missin'”, “We're going to celebrate another white trash Christmas With mad dog wine and miller light”, “No Christmas card from my ex-wife, I did get a subpoena though”.

I wish I was back in school and I could sing these new lyrics at the Christmas party that we had.

Another one I just stumbled on was ‘Itchy Balls’ - The official parody of ‘Jingle Bells’. Yes with lines like “She wants to do some more. Now we're rolling naked on the dirty kitchen floor” or “Like a piraña on my iguana, their still biting me I need Mr. Spock to beam me up to the pharmacy” you can really not go wrong to be the Grinch of Christmas music.

The Swedish ones are a bit dirtier and a bit more out but these would do for my Christmas shows on Cashbox radio. Why are there no good Christmas songs? I guess it has to do that it becomes cheesy with the whole message about the holiday itself. Another problem is also that there a very few new ones and the reruns are just overwhelming.

Maybe that is the curse, you really can’t do a cool Christmas song? Maybe it’s just you can’t do a cool song with ‘Jingle Bells’ in the background? I don’t know but I gave up years ago trying to like the music that is on in December.

Editor’s Note: Peter Åstedt has been working in the music industry for over 30 years. He has started record labels, distribution systems, and publishing companies. Peter also runs several major showcase festivals and is an advisor for INES and co-founder of MusicHelp/Discover Sensation. He has worked with the Top Ten most streamed songs and had music on both the Olympics and Super Bowl. Peter has currently taken up the seat of Station Manager of Cashbox Radio, working with MD, PD and station owner, Sandy Graham. His latest venture is a new Showcase Festival in Sweden, Future Echoes scheduled for September 16-18, 2021.